Rising
The first time I discovered what a phoenix was I was in middle school. We were reading William Shakespeare in English class. I was intrigued by his stories and went to the library to jump head first into his world. I read everything he wrote within a few weeks. I found a poem he had written called The Phoenix and the Turtle. If you ever get the chance to read it please do. As with most of Shakespeare work, it’s a contrast of love, life, unity and tragedy.
I was fascinated with this new mythical creature I discovered. In Greek mythology the Phoenix is able to rise from its own ashes and become new. A rebirth of not necessarily what it once was but quite possibly even stronger and more beautiful. A painful process but one that is necessary for it to go through because it’s not yet done. Death did not have its victory yet or atleast not completely. Sometimes when we go through difficult things in life, we have parts of us that feel dead. We feel a numbness that words are never enough to describe.
The first time I experienced sexual abuse was when I was 4 years old. I now look back and can’t even fathom what type of monster would look at an innocent 4 year old girl and do things to harm her. But those monsters exist don’t they? I started learning at a very young age the difference between good and evil. While I wish I could say I have only had to deal with one monster in my life, unfortunately I have seen plenty more. For the first time in my life I have experienced a relationship where there is no abuse. We have only wanted what is best for one another and healthy communication is so vital in any relationship. Whether it is romantic or not work on creating positive relationships in your life because your damage was most likely through a relation of some kind it’s important to heal with a positive and healthy relationship I have learned that it doesn’t have to be a lot of people, it only takes one or two people in your life to make a difference I know for myself that too many people in my life stretches me too thin. So I am selective with my time and energy
The events in my life that sent me down a path of self harm and ultimately the point of no longer wanting to exist came to crashing halt. I was sitting in my bedroom staring at the wall, almost in a comatose state. My ex husband was using his words to try to finish me. He said some of the most degrading things and I could no longer even understand his words. It was a blur and I visioned myself just flying away and no longer existing. Instead of choosing suicide, I chose to get up and make changes. For me, rising above where I was at meant a lot of changes I had to make so I could feel freedom.
When relationships and circumstances in life get you to the point mentally that you stop functioning or in some cases begin to make choices to sabotage yourself, seek help. Right now you are in a place that will help you rise above those ashes and its going to take a lot of work
The first thing I had to do was change my environment. I had to change where I lived and the people I chose to be around I had to become self sufficient, make healthier choices for wellness and mental function I developed a routine of what I needed to do to function. Something as simple as setting your alarm to get up for the day and shower, brush your teeth can be a task if you are struggling mentally. Each day I set goals of what I want to accomplish. I have learned to rest when needed and not push myself beyond what I can do. I find my safe place to be. I have my safe people to be around. I am always trying to learn new things and do things I am passionate about. I do things like hiking, reading, going to the movies, eating out, gardening and a new hobby of learning to build droids. I spend time with my family and my best friend. That’s where I began to rise above the ashes and started living again. Find the things and people that make you who you are and protect them. Protect them the way you have wanted to be protected and invest your time and energy into them the way you want to be invested in. Find people that want to invest in you and want the best for you with their words and actions.
I was hiking one day in West Virginia and I found this beautiful spot overlooking a valley I had hit what they called “the summit” of my hike. I was alone standing there and was in absolute awe of my surroundings and myself for making it to that place. I closed my eyes and I stretched my arms to the sky I felt like I was reaching for that space I have yet to be in. I pictured in my mind a phoenix rising above the ashes and the pain I felt from the incline of the mountain didn’t seem to matter anymore. The only thing that matters is what you decide for yourself. Are you going to stay in the cycle of an unhealthy life or are you going to start rising?